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Questions? Advice? Want to risk public ridicule and get answers from someone completely unqualified to answer them? Write me at ask_melissa@dj-melissa.com ...maybe I'll answer if your question inspires me...and I'm not napping.

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HELLO malissa,

ok here is the thing! I have promised my best friend when we turn 13 we were both gonna get are bellys pireced but my mom said NO! How can I convince her? I really want to get mine done!

—Impatient

Dear Attention Deficit Disorder,

I already answered that question for a 14 year old...scroll down and good luck!!!

—Melissa


Hey ,

What the hell are the BCN phone numbers? Say them on air so I can write them down.

—Needs to know

Dear just say no,

Because you asked so nicely they are 617-555-1212 OR 411.

—Melissa


Hey Melissa,

Where do you see yourself five or so years from now?

—Just curious

Dear Nostradamus,

I don't know where I'll be five DAYS from now!

—Melissa


Dearest Melissa,

I'm so sick of people always trying to get you to reveal your last name. Don't they know you're entitled to your privacy? I'd like to ask you something more appropriate.

What is your MIDDLE name???

–Mel's Swell Fan

Dear Swell (you should put ice on that):

Alright here we go...my FULL name...although it's been in front of you all along! (you actually had to type it out to get to this page!

First name: DJ
Middle name: Dash (sometimes abbreviated as -)
Last Name: Melissa


Dear Melis...

Do you have any other piercings? Like hmmm.. on your body parts? How about tattoos?

Love,
John

Dear Attention Deficit Disorder,

Both those questions have already been answered! Scroll down and keep reading!

Love,
Melissa


Melissa,

You have a wonderful radio voice. I'm betting that your voice skills transcend the studio, though. So, here it is: Are you a screamer?

—Inappropriate in Metro Boston

Dear Inappropriate,

Only when I bang my elbow or strangers ask me inappropriate questions, and then it's not a pretty sound! Of course, for the latter of the two I also sometimes resort to sign language. Can you guess what I'm signing now ?

—Melissa

PS Just kidding to find out the real answer, you'd have to ask my neighbors and I made them sign confidentiality agreements!


Dear Melissa,

Hi, I have a question for you, what is your last name? Thanks!

—Wants to Know

Dear Nosey,

Unfortunately that is classified information, as I am in the witness protection program. I figured the best place to hide would be on the radio, since apparently video killed the radio star.

—Jane Doe


Dear Melissa,

I'm in desperate need of help. I've been playing in a band for about two months now and we need a name. Its on a punk rock kinda base so if ya have any ideas please write back. thanx a lot, luv your show!

—Nameless

Dear Nameless,

How about "The Co-dependants"? Do you want me to name your future kids too? ;)

—Melissa


Dear Melissa:

You have WAY too many shirtless guys listening to you.

—Rich

Dear Poor (taste):

No such thing! (would you have the same complaint if there were an equal number of shirtless WOMEN listening?)

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

A while ago, a fellow Melissa fan tried to get you to clone yourself. Now, recently, the first human clone was generated... NEAR WHERE YOU BROADCAST!!! And in latest developments, according to the Weekly World News (always a reliable source), the human clone keeps buying shoes, naps frequently, and cuts up people with her acerbic wit! So I must pose the following question to you... Is there a Melissa clone loose in Boston?!? And if so, do you have her number...

—The Clone Drone

Dear Cloning around, WARNING!!! Do not be fooled, it is Osama Bin Laden, hiding where he will never be found....the MALL!

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

hey melissa, i have to say you look way sexier in person, the pictures do you no justice what so ever, (take that as a compliment)

—Kodak moment

Dear has a way with words,

 See, now if you were smarter, you would have said..."even though you look AMAZING in the pictures, you look EVEN better in person." ;) Thanks. (I think!)

—Melissa


This e-mail is for DJ Melissa, the host of "The Bitch Session" on WBCN-FM in Boston. My name is Steven and I am a 22/m from Long Island, NY, who listens to your station and show via the Internet. I think you are awesome and now I know why you have a big fan club in Boston.

I am sending you this e-mail to ask you for a favor. Would it be possible to have a WBCN t-shirt mailed to me? I know this might be an unusual request but the reason why is because I am undertaking a new experiment. I want to see if it would be possible to have a whole collection of t-shirts from different radio stations that I listen to via the Internet. I want you to know you'll always have a fan on Long Island, New York.

Sincerely,

Cyber fan

Dear your nose is growing;

Melissa's requirement number one for t-shirt recipients; honesty. You see, our station does not broadcast on the internet. Sorry, you fail...

—Melissa


Dear Melissa; 

I have a horrible confession to make: I secretly have a fetish for funny, petite, red-headed women!!  I know your heart already belongs to another <sniff>, but I did have one itty-bitty little request - can I have a lock of your hair so I can use your DNA to make a DJ Melissa clone?!? I think I'm being reasonable...

—The Redhead-o-phile

Dear Ba-ack to reality,

Unfortunately modern science has not yet figured out how to clone humans. However, they DO know how to clone sheep. Perhaps one of those will come in handy late-nights as you listen to my show!!

—Melissa


Fair Melissa,

I must finally write to you and let out this burning inside me. I am a 23-year old gay man, But i am overly in love with you. You are the person i am searching for, it just saddens me that you don't have a dick. But alas sweet Melissa, you do rock my world!!! If only you knew how hard it is to find a man like you, i can't even find a homeboy that likes the music i do. Let alone listen to 'bcn every waking moment. especially stern!! anyways, my deepest desire is that we both come back with more compatible sexual preferences in the next life. Until then, i hope you keep rockin' my punk ass into the ground!

You complete me!

Misguided

Dear Miss Guy Did,

I'll make you a deal, I'll help YOU find the perfect guy, if you'll help ME find the perfect throw pillows to match my living room curtains!

Melissa


Melissa,

The so called jokes that are on you're web-site isn't funny and I think you wrote all of them up you self !

Sleuth

Dear Sloth.

Yup!  You're right, caught me! Sometimes I write ones where I use poor grammar and insult myself...just to keep people from catching on!

—Melissa


Dear Melissa:

I heard you saying that you like, cowboys, especially that guy Colby on Survivor. I have my own riding stable . So if you like horse back riding, drop a line back we have over 30 horses to choose from.

Horse owner

Dear Horsing Around,

I think you may have misunderstood, I never said I like riding horses, I said I like riding COWBOYS! ;) Giddyup!

Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I had never seen pictures of you until I visited your site. You're definitely hot! But, I couldn't help noticing how many people comment on this, and leave out the fact that you're incredibly quick-witted and brilliantly funny.

This makes you 10 times more sexy than any bimbo bombshell on TV or in a magazine. Thanks for crackin' my ass up.

Take care,

Not Mark McGrath 

Dear Mom? (Is that you?)

I can't take the credit for cracking your ass up, if it's like mine, I believe it came that way! Thanks for the nice words!

Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I notice under "hobbies" at www.wbcn.com you list podiatry.

What the hell is podiatry?

Haven't a clue

Dear Clueless,

Perhaps you can look it up, right after you look up "dictionary!"

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

 I listen to you every night while I work, you could say I'm a fan, but you hate men, so...that brings my question right up. Do you Date? Have a boy friend? Married? I'll will wait for a reply from you. PS the pictures that Stephanie Hierholzer took of you are very beautiful, and I think you are too. If I could describe myself it would be well built, brown hair, eyes also, 5'7'' tall.

Love,
Assuming to Much?

Dear You Know What they Say About Assuming,

I LOVE men. I just don't like people who can't take a joke!

Kisses,
Melissa


Dear Melissa:

When are you going to update the "Dear Melissa" section on your web page,

you seem to be slacking?

—Inquiring Mind

Dear Nagging Headache:

There, I just did.

Melissa


Hey Melissa,

I notice on your site that you and my wife are exactly the same height! You

should hang out and like trade clothes or something!

—Observation maker

Dear Wants to Observe,

Lemme guess, you wanna watch as we do this, right?

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

 Are hot women as insecure as socially inept men???

An Avid Fan

Dear Rabid Fan,

I'd love to answer your question, but I'm too afraid I'd give you the wrong response.

Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I read about your troubles with Nik Carter/quitting smoking/foot rub bet (on the FAQ page) and I feel terrible that he hasn't lived up to his end of the bargain. I, however, am VERY good with my hands and would be happy to oblige in that regard for any of Nik's "shortcomings." I do not have a foot fetish, but would be more than willing to massage your feet provided you wear something that won't make the little guys stink should you accept my offer.

Rich

Dear Strong Hands Weak Stomach,

While I do appreciate the offer, I am afraid I am waiting for my "sole"

mate!

Melissa


Dear  Melissa,

I was in love with my best friend  for  two years. We had our fling and, I thought, told each other everything. Well, last week he took me out to dinner, said he had to talk to me about something important. He admitted to me that he was gay! Also, he hasn't told any of my other friends so I can't talk to them about it. He's been struggling with telling me for almost a year. I know his problem is bigger than mine, but what am I supposed to do now? Please help me!

—Friend in Need

Dear  Grace,

The qualities that made you fall in love with your friend in the first place are still there. You've just learned they won't be reciprocated in a romantic way. I understand you feel betrayed but now more than ever, you need to stand by him and show him how much he means to you. He is, after all, the same person, only now he needs your support. And, look on the bright side, you now have someone to watch "Will and Grace" with!

—Melissa 


Dear Melissa,

I couldn't help but notice that you manage to put down and make fun of almost every person who has a question on your website. I admit, some of them are funny, But berating people is the number one sign that someone is unhappy himself and may have a lot of built up aggression. I am a doctor, and I believe that sex is a great way to relieve that aggression. If you would like some help, let me know.

—Doc Freud

Dear Dr. Fraud,

Yes, you caught me, I am very unhappy with myself. So, unhappy in fact that I couldn't bear to share myself with another, but thanks for the offer...

—Melissa

PS I am not a doctor, but on the same note, I have heard analyzing others is the number one way to avoid analyzing oneself.


Dear Melissa,

I have to tell you I take offense at your tank top exchange program. I am the third generation of tank top wearers in my family, and we wear them proudly. Besides, anyone who wears a zebra-striped cowboy hat should not be giving fashion advice in the first place!!!

—Italian Stallion

Dear Stallion,

If I were you, I'd watch my tone of voice. A stallion is a not-so-distant relative of a zebra, and I kill zebras for sport...and where them as a trophy on my head.

Melissa


Dear Melissa,

You're fucking HOTT even though you're a bitch!!!! I'll make an exception for you. I'll let you go out with me. Email me your number.

Wants to get lucky

Dear Outta Luck,

Here you go...(617) NIC-ETRY.

Melissa

PS Whaddya expect from a bitch like me?


Hi Melissa, 

I am used to listening to you all the time, but I just moved into my dorm room at Bentley College. My two roommates love jamn,  so  it is always two against one. Just wanted to tell you I miss you.

—Sleepless this semester

Dear Sleepless:

I've got two suggestions...

#1) Get yourself a walkman

OR

#2) Get yourself some cool roommates!!!!!

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I'm 14 and wanna get my belly button pierced, but mom won't let me. Any ideas on how I can convince her?

—Not Afraid of Piercing

Dear Afraid of Mom's Piercing Yell:

Call her up and tell her that you are pregnant. When she is done freaking out, tell her you were just kidding. Then say, "Oh, by the way, I got my belly button pierced!

Melissa

PS Only try this if you can withstand more pain than a simple belly button piercing and you don't need to sit for a couple of days.


Hey Melissa,

I just wanted to say how much I like your show and have been listening every night for a couple weeks now.I think you should do a thing every night when you prank someone like at 1:00. People would get pissed, but it would be funny as hell.

Jerky Boy Wanna Be

Dear Jerky,

Great idea!!! By the way, what's your phone number?

Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I need your opinion on something. I'm gonna buy a new cd with my next pay check but I'm saving up for new drum cymbals so i can only buy one, which do you thing i should buy the new Eve 6 or SR71?

—Drummer Boy

Dear Drummer Boy,

Buy them both and just use smaller drum sticks!

Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I am a 26 year old male My penis is about 4 inches long and maybe half an inch wide. I am real afraid to let any women see it ...Is this a real problem...Or am i just letting it bother me? If u were with a guy like this...What would you do?

-Small Problem

Dear Big Trouble,

I cannot honestly answer your question without complete information. How

long is your tongue?

Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I have a problem,my car stereo was ripped off and now I can't catch your show after work. This sucks! I enjoy your little tid bits and updates from your "BITCH SESSIONS." Can you help?

—Baffled

Dear Cheapskate:

They stole your stereo, not your wallet! Why don't you try taking it out and opening it up! ;)

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

Why do girls suck so bad?

Heartbroken and lonely

Dear Chafed:

Maybe you should invest in one of those contraptions advertised in the back of Penthouse!

Melissa


Melissa,

How does one earn the right to be enlightened with the information of whether or not you are a "true" redhead.... !!!!

Like the piercings too. Any tattoos?

—Subtle

Dear Subtle hint:

To answer your questions.....

1) Not like that!
2)Yes, two. Don't ask what they are, you find out the same way you find out if I'm a natural redhead.

—Melissa

Dear Melissa:

do you ever have sex by your self?

—Wise Ass

Dear Ass:

I try to, but I won't put out until I propose.

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

What are your top 5 "my-girlfriend-just-left-me-and-I'm-pissed-off-at-the-world-so-just-leave-me-alone-while-I-eat-this-whole-box-of-Haagen-Dazs" songs?

—Dumped

Dear Down in the Dumps:

My top five "my-boyfriend-just-dumped-me-and-I'm-feeling-sorry-for-myself-so-just-leave-me-alone-while-I-eat-this-whole-carton-(Ben and Jerry's doesn't come in boxes)-of-Ben-and-Jerry's" are...in descending order:

5) Live "I Alone"
4) No Doubt "Don't Speak"
3) Anything by the Carpenters (don't scoff until you've tried it!)
2) Goo Goo Dolls "Name"
1) Alanis Morrissette "You Oughta Know"

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

Do you actually answer all your own emails, or do you have an intern do it?

—Skeptical

Dear Skeptic,

I do it all myself. Now the question is, do you believe me? It's hard to find honest interns these days.........

—Melissa


Dear Melissa:

This is more of an observation, than a question. I was looking through your pics with like... people...(constellation Melissa) and in my tiny monitor it appears that you stole the flannel off of the dude from Soul Asylum, and wore it in your picture with Rob Zombie.

—Sherlock Holmes

Dear Don't Quit Your Day Job:

What makes you think I had to STEAL it? ;)

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

This is going to sound silly but, I must know the answer. Have you ever had a dream where you are sunning yourself on a beach and all of a sudden this really good looking man starts to walk by? Then you sit up, he takes notice of you, then he starts to walk towards you...?

—The Sandman

Dear Sandman,

Wow, eerie....I HAVE had that dream!!!

(He's selling soda, right?)

—Melissa


Dear Melissa—

One of my "friends" has been chasing this chick for something like 9 months now (even though he has been dating other girls as well). She has made it pretty clear that she just wants to be friends with him. I've always thought she was kinda cute and everything but I figured there was nothing there until recently. She is now showing great interest in me and I went out with her last night. I told my friend before I even went out...I assumed this would be better then "going behind his back." He is wicked pissed at me now. What the hell can I do about this? Not dating this girl is not an option. Oh insightful Melissa, bearer of more experience than I have, help a brotha out!!

—Hopefully Not in the Wrong

Dear Wrong,

To answer your real question which is "What can I do to make my friend forgive me for dating the girl he liked, EXCEPT stop dating her?"...my answer is "nothing." It's too late, you made your friend's bed and now you must lay in it. You expect too much if you think you should be able to have your cake and eat it too, in his bed no less!

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I just saw your picture and you look pretty damn hot. Your face reminded me of another red-headed chick. Shirley Manson. Do you know where I can get naked pics of Shirley?

—Thumbs up

Dear Typing With One Hand,

Try www.getalifeyoupatheticpervert.com

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

Do you paint your toenails the same color as your fingernails?

—Fancy Footwork

Dear Nosy:

I don't even paint my toenails the same color as each OTHER!

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I have had the fortune of being able to accomplish my life long dream of bodyguarding exotic dancers. I have been happily doing this job for about 8 years...The only problem that I have is that when women find out what I do for work, they are instantly put off by it... How can I express to them that the women that I work with are on a professional basis..... I have no romantic interests in the women that I work with....

-Lonely with Strippers

Dear World's Tiniest Violin:

You'll excuse me if I don't shed a tear for your plight, but I don't think you are being completely honest. It has been your lifelong dream to bodyguard women who get naked for a living, but you are asking me and the women you date to believe that this goal of yours is based solely on economic and professional reasons? If that were true, couldn't you guard the bodies of MALE strippers? To quote Kidrock, "I was born at night, but not last night baby!" I don't think the women you date are worried about you becoming "romantically" involved with these ladies. I think they are worried about your job fulfilling some male adolescent fantasy, whether you act on it or not. Every woman deserves to feel SHE is her man's fantasy, unfortunately your choice in professions makes that difficult, if not impossible. My suggestions are either:

1)Change jobs
2)Date one of your dancer friends (but don't be surprised when she suddenly becomes possessive and wants you to change careers!).

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

Umm.....I don't wanna ask this but all my friends are threatening to beat the shit outta me if I don't.....they all wanna know your bra size .....

—Peer Pressure

Dear PP,

You're assuming I wear one..........

Love, Melissa


Melissa,

If Playboy were to do another DJ spread, would you participate ?

—Reads it for the articles

Dear Hairy Palms:

I would consider doing a playboy spread under two conditions:

1) If they meant "spread" figuratively rather than literally...

2)If they let me keep my clothes on...or got me really drunk first.

—Melissa


Dear Melissa:

I listen to you when I can...your pretty cool...... weird to match the voice with the face...what are you 5.3 or so.... you rock!!!!

love, kisses and hello from the most electrifying man in the world today!! I am not a wrestler wanna be...had this ego always...

—Hulk Ego

PS How many idiots do email you each day?

Dear Hulk:

I am 5 feet ½ of an inch tall.

—Melissa

PS So far today only one!


Dear Melissa,

Took a look around your website. You fail to show any pictures of your spring and fall shoes. Or are you not THAT maniacal? I think you forgot.

—A shoe for all seasons

Dear Shoe,

Spring and Fall shoes, huh? Catch you later...I've got some shopping to do!

—Melissa

PS Are you planning on "footing" the bill?


Dear Melissa:

This is not a question, but just wanted to tell you that giggle of yours gives me instantaneous woody sportage!!!!

—Hardly laughing

Dear Laughing Hard,

You poor thing, that sounds painful! Maybe I could arrange surgery to get it changed. (Your "sportage"-not my giggle)

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

I'm in a band. Don't you find that sexy?

G String

Dear G String,

Sorry, no. I guess it must be like being a gynecologist. I spend all day surrounded by 'em, so at the end of the day, they really don't turn me on.

—Melissa


Dear Melissa:

I'm NOT in a band. Always wanted to be . Now don't you find THAT sexy?

—One Up

Dear Shot Down:

Uh...nah. People who follow their dreams...now THAT's sexy......

—Melissa


Melissa,

I see under your hobbies, you list writing. Non-fiction or otherwise?

—Joe

Dear Joe,

Both. (As you can tell from my brief response, the non-fiction still needs some work)

—Melissa


Melissa,

How does one get a date with someone like yourself? if the answer is "just ask," then I'm asking...Do you want to go out on a date? (I am male, 27, 6'3", blond, and a nice guy.) Anyway, where is the Melissa's dating tips page?

Derek

Dear Derek,

Melissa's dating tip #1, never go out with strangers!

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

From What I see on the site, your shoe collection looks very cool. By any chance does your winter collection include at least one pair of thigh-high boots? I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely,
Rich

Dear Rich,

Thanks for your inquiry. Unfortunately, being that I am a mere 5 foot half an inch tall, those thigh high boots you refer to, would be a turtleneck on me. Because I adhere to a strict "no turtleneck" wardrobe policy, the answer to your question is no.

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

Do you have a belly button ring?

—Greg

Dear Greg,

Yup. Do you have a belly button fetish?

—Melissa


Dear Melissa,

Can a man sleep with two women at the same time, with either unaware of the other's existence, and still be a good guy?

—Double dribbling

Dear Double,

If you can show me a man who can actually have sex with (different than sleeping with) two woman simultaneously (and I do mean simultaneously) I would say not only is he a good man, he is a great man!

—Melissa


Copyright © 1999–2013
by Richard L. Becker
& Melissa